I have to make this post in memory of my friend and ex-boyfriend, Nick Schilbach. Nick recently passed away about 3 weeks ago, having suffered with Leukemia for 2 years. His death came as a complete and total shock to me, since I had no idea he was even sick. I didn't know how to handle it. Nick and I were together right after I graduated from high school, and we were very close. Though we only dated for a few months, if often felt like we were kindred spirits. After we broke up, we lost touch, seeing each other only a handful of times between then and now, and only shortly before his death did I hear from him in an email sent to a group of people which was later forwarded to me, about the tragic accident that caused the death of another mutual friend of ours, Cale Caputo.
The strangest thing was that over the two weeks leading up to his death, I had consciously been thinking of him and how I could get back in touch with him, track him down and see him again, hang out and rekindle our friendship. When I learned of his death, I didn't believe it. I just couldn't accept that he could be gone before I even had the chance to talk to him again, just one last time, and tell him I missed him and hoped he was doing great. I was definitely in denial, even after some time had passed....
Right after I heard of his death, I didn't know what to do with myself. I found myself thinking of it constantly, people at work noticed something was wrong with me....I stayed up late Googling his name and devouring every piece of information or scrap of posted message or blog entries that I could find by him or about him, anything and everything that contained his name I was desperate to read or look at. More than anything, I wanted to see his picture. I tore apart my photo albums, looking for the pictures I still know I have somewhere, of him and I together so long ago...I called and emailed friends who knew him, asking for pictures, information, anything about him and how everything had happened...when was he diagnosed with Leukemia? Why hadn't anyone told me? How had he handled it? How exactly did he leave this world? I never did get to see his face again until the day of his memorial. It was like I needed anything and everything I could get my hands on just to survive the day, to feel like he was still alive, still real, still in the world, because I never got to say goodbye, never got to know his life as he got older, how he was, what he had done with himself, what he was doing in school, if he had fallen in love....a huge piece of his existence was missing in my mind....I was left only with the memories we had made at the age of 17, and it just wasn't enough for me.
No, I didn't handle his death well at all, and only now am I starting to be able to deal with it in some sane way. At his service I bawled like an infant, remembering how much fun we used to have together, and the moments of intimacy we shared. When someone dies whom you've been close with on a more intimate level than just friendship, it is a very strange and difficult thing to handle. This was my first experience with it. I feel like a piece of my youth is lost forever now...the only other person who shared that time with me, and those specific moments, and knew what it was like to experience me in that way at that age...that person is gone forever. I am the only one who can carry on those memories for us now. It is an overwhelming sense of loneliness and despair that comes over me, whenever I think of it.
I want anyone who reads this to know that there is nothing worse than realizing someone is gone, permanently, forever, not just on vacation, or moving away, but gone, dead, no more smiles and no more words, before you can let them know how much you loved them. If there is someone on your mind, get in touch with them, because you never know what can and will happen before it's too late. I learned the hardest way, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Right before his death, the universe was trying to tell me something important, and I procrastinated because I had other things on my mind. At first I hated myself for it, but I knew that would only drive me into a deeper depression, so I resigned myself to the dull ache that deep regret brings.
Nick was only 21 when he passed on, much too young to die, and so senselessly, too. He was an amazing person, loving and romantic, caring and generous, and so smart, always wanting to know more, to learn more, to be as involved and informed as possible about everything that really mattered, particularly the politics of this great country, Canada. He is greatly missed.
You know when you read in the paper or hear on the news that someone has died tragically, and people always say, "He was such a great person" or "She was such an angel"? I always wondered why it was that we never heard of the really annoying or cruel or obnoxious or inhumane people in the world dying tragically. I always used to say that just once I would like to hear of someone's tragic death that was followed by the comment "Well, actually, he was kind of a prick."
Well....Nick was never that guy. He really was the kindest person. I don't think I ever heard him say anything negative about anyone, the whole time I knew him. He really cared passionately about so many things, especially music and politics. I always respected him for that. He had the biggest heart, and if there is some kind of heaven somewhere, he'll be there.
Wherever you are Nick, I love you, and I hope you're happy and free.
